Funny Quotes

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”

—Mark Twain


“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. ”

—Albert Einstein

“I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”


“A text message can lead to a date, which can lead to a kiss, and a wonderful night together. Will you text me?”


“Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.”


“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.”

—Theodore Roosevelt

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”

—Elbert Hubbard

“A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's She changes it more often.”

—Oliver Herford

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”

—Mark Twain

“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”

—Don Marquis

“The superfluous, a very necessary thing.”